LenxPiko: Just a Game
by YudokunaNayami
Summary: After the death of his girlfriend, Piko suffers through the treatment he believes he "deserves". Giving away his body as comfort, all the while searching for forgiveness and finally after all the grief, some happiness.


A vocaloid fan fiction for the greatest person in the universe featuring her favorite vocaloids! [Plus a few of mine ]

**Written by: Toby Ujhazy**

For you

**1**

I'll atone for my sin somehow.

I can't just leave it like this.

I'll do anything.

What must I do?

I wasn't welcome here. Everyone knew what I had done, despite their comforting smiles and their sympathy towards me. I knew that they despised me for it.I had killed her hadn't I?

At the police station and at the hospital I had wailed and screamed, blaming myself. Since who else was there to blame? All the "if-only-I hadn't"s running through my head, they still did now.

Now here, exactly 24 hours after the news had been delivered to me and the rest of her present family, I stood clutching the casket in which she knuckles turning white from the force of my grip.

She seemed so peaceful now, every drop of blood had been washed away and every bit of burnt and torn flesh stitched up and hidden underneath a sterile white all seemed so,unlike girl I had known, had always been covered in some kind of dirt and she had always worn a big bubbly smile.

But this girl, had no smile and was whiter than ...sterile...so...

Dead.

In this way, it seemed like she was silently hating me,from beyond her grave she was cursing me.

My eyes became watery and my face grew hot, I ran a trembling finger down her soft cheek as a loose tear fell.

How many tears must I shed for you to forgive me?

I bent my head,sobbing silently, the grief almost overwhelming.

How many years must pass before you can forgive me?

It would be an endless amount of time wouldn't it...Rin?

I guess you knew, you must have known that all this time...

I had never truly loved you.

Is that it? Is that why someone so happy, on the moment before impact on the dark night road that you could give me such a sad and sorrowful look?

...

How many years must pass before I can forgive myself?

"Utatane-kun?" A small frail voice broke me from my thought's, I quickly wiped my tears away, feeling shameful of them before looking back.

A small frail looking lady with the same blonde hair tied in a bun, looked at me with an exhausted face and eyes red from tears.

"I understand you blame yourself...' She said slowly, clasping my hand between two of her own shaking hands, they were pale and cold. 'But I ask that you mustn't. I, and no one else in this room, hold you responsible for my daughter's death."

Her words struck a chord in my heart, as much as she may preach on that, I'm sure she knew just as well as I that that, was far from the truth. I had already lost count of the dirty looks and stares I was receiving.

I nodded silently, feeling my voice would betray me if I were to respond.

She nodded silently, and released my hands and as she turned to leave as I called out.

"Kagamine-san.' She turned her head back to me 'As much as I know you don't want to hear this...but...' I felt my voice shake, my lungs constricted 'I am...so...sorry."

Instead she smiled a weak tired smile that held back a countless tears.

"Be not sorry." With that she disappeared into the mass crowd of those in black.

I turned back to the casket, calling it a coffin seemed much to crude. It also made the fact that she was truly gone all the more real.

The ceremony had ended and people mingled quietly, comforting those in tears and discussing what had happened, the casket remained out. Now surrounding it was three girls in matching black dresses.

Quietly, I walked forward, recognizing the trio. The three girls were friends from school, not mine...but hers. Mascara dripped in lines across their faces from tears.

A tall girl with pig tails was clasped in a tight hug with a girl of equal height with short cut brown hair.

Another girl stood a little ways closer to the casket with long flowing pink hair.

Her eyes met with mine.

"Utatane" She called quietly and I walked over to stand beside her.

"Megurine-san." I nodded briskly, keeping my gaze off of the casket.

She caught me off guard with a brisk hug, and released me quickly cupping my cheek with her hand.

She studied me carefully, her thumb lightly rubbing my cheek.

"Be good to yourself.' She glanced over to the two girls behind her and then back to me.

"Do you blame me?" I whispered silently, avoided her gaze.

"No.' I allowed myself a relieved smile. 'But you shouldn't have done what you did. You shouldn't of used her that way."

I know.

I couldn't respond. Guilty as charged.

"I'll lead the chickens away, you should talk to him." She eyes flickered over to someone behind me.

She gave me one last final glance and kissed me lightly on the forehead.

"Please, don't do anything stupid."

With that she disappeared, taking away to wailing duo.

Him?

Who's...him?

I turned to look back at the casket , were a blonde male, taller than I, stood head bent over the casket a hand inside carefully stroking her hair.

Immediately I knew who it was, every hair on my body stood on end, like a shot of electricity went through me.

Suddenly I was wishing I didn't know who it was.

He had not shown when the news had been delivered at the hospital, but he must have heard .My throat seemed to close at that moment.

His mother had told me he wouldn't be coming. I had prayed he wouldn't be coming.

This….was the person who I did love. Since...for how long I have long since forgotten, now the despair seemed ever growing.

Who would love a murderer?

Especially one who killed your sister?

Not only killed her, but used her too.

As a replacement.

For you.

She knew. Of course she knew I loved him, she was no airhead. She knew I was using her as a substitute.

But in her beautiful ignorance, she held on.

Now look where it left us.

One dead and one dying.

I would have to tell him, at that thought every warning light in my mind sparked up.

I didn't with this guilt,seeing him everyday with such a weight would kill me.

I bit my lip till I tasted blood.

Clenching my fists.

Approaching slowly,I extended a hand to tap him upon the as if he knew I was coming, his body bolted away from my outreached hand,his blue eyes fixated on mine with an electrifying blue stare.

I swallowed hard.

"We need to talk."

The hallway was much to empty for my liking, I was hoping at least one more person would be present. Although having them there would do me no good.

I would simply clam up.

He stood in front of me,his eyes tailing across my face and body, in a way that sent chills down my spine.

How can I start?

The pair of dull blue eyes met with mine, in an expecting silence.

Before I could even open my mouth, he spoke in a low tone layered with exhaustion.

"You are the one aren't you?' He lowered his head away and continued in an even softer whisper 'The one that everyone talks about."

I...I...

What could I say?

It was the horrible truth that stabbed its way right into the center of my heart.

I dropped to my knees, feeling unable to even carry my own weight.

Shameful and guilty tears ran free down my cheeks and I made no attempt to wipe them away.

I felt like a fish out of water, opening and closing my mouth in an attempt to say something when no words would come to me.

"Were you and her dating?" He asked quietly

I stared up at him confused...did he not know?

I nodded.

"Was...was she...happy?" I couldn't miss the pained expression on his face.

I nodded again and he looked as if he could cry, he tilted his head down, his blonde hair covering his face.

"I'm sorry!" I was able to spew and like an idiot I looked up at him with a hope of forgiveness.

He met my eyes with a glare of disgust.

"I….I...It was an accident! I never wanted her to get hurt!I loved her!" I howled feeling like the lowest of scum under his stare, but my unspoken words were, I deserve what i get, I used her because I wanted you and I ...Couldn't have you.

"She was perfect, she was everything to me! You killed her!' his voice went soft and menacing 'If you had truly loved her, you would never have but her in danger!" Before I could react I felt his foot connect with my side, toppled over and the wind rushed out of me.

He was on top of me in seconds, a hand to my throat.

"I should kill you" He hissed through clenched teeth.

Suddenly, I was welcoming the idea.

If I were to die, I wouldn't have to live with the guilt.

I would be able to fade into a peaceful darkness.

"But that would be to rewarding for you wouldn't it? You don't deserve an easy death."

I raised a hand and placed it on his wrist.

"What must I do...' I said quietly 'Tell me what I must do, to earn your forgiveness."

His body froze and he stared at me in disbelief.

Then a whole new demeanor came about him, his eyes softened and he removed his hand from my throat. His hand teased at my hair, his blue eyes never leaving my own.

It was as if he wasn't staring at...me. But saw someone else in my place.

Who?

He brought his face close to mine, close enough I could feel his hot breath of my nose.

"You will comfort me."

How?

He answered my unspoken question.

"With your body."

Before I could even comprehend what he had said, our lips met. My eyes widened with shock and he slowly and teasingly pulled out of the kiss.

"Whenever I call you, you will come .Whatever I want, you will do. Understand?"

My lip trembled, I was afraid.

He was scaring me.

But his face had never once seemed so serious.

2

It had been 5 months since then.

The days had flown by, now the early spring winds had come and the hot summer days were in their hottest.

Despite her death, life seemed to carry on as if her existing had never really happened.

The first 2 months back from my little grief bubble were painful; school seemed like a taunting ground...where everything reminded me of what I had done to her.

Try as she might, Megurine-san could not hold off the hate of her friends.

To them and to everyone else I was a murderer.

My friends tried to comfort me, in the end they left as well.

I was alone and there was nothing to be done about it.

Nowadays, I hide up in the art room where no one goes and watch the life of school students below me.

How cruel this world was.

I rest my head on my folded arms, and stare out the open window, the evening summer breeze running through my hair.

But over these 5 months, every day I would receive a call from...him.

Len.

He would call me out, and of course what else could I do but follow?

I wanted his forgiveness, so badly I would do anything.

I touched the hickey on my neck...massaging the spot between two fingers.

Even...that.

Every day, we would meet and...do it. That is what he had meant by comforting him with my body. Every single time he would call out her name.

Whenever he looked at me, he wasn't.

I had investigated, which now I wish I hadn't.

Before Rin had gone out with me, she had been seeing her very own brother.

He had loved her for years.

Had I just gotten in the way? Rin knew I didn't really love her...how could she still do that to him?

Was it just for fun?

So, was our whole "relationship" just something to tease Len?

That's all I was huh?...

Then again, I had used her as a replacement for him...so maybe we both did onto each other the same game.

Just a pawn in a little chess game between squabbling hearts.

I don't think this realization makes me feel any better.

I want to ask, I want to know more about it though.

After our moments together are over, Len and I, do not exist. We go back to being strangers.

He does not even remember my name.

I smile ruefully, wiping away a stray tear.

This is not how I imagined we would be together.

Then again, my imagination of us had a ton more sparkles, and I was happy and so was he.

But in reality, I was afraid and he...was suffering some pain I could not even imagine.

Sometimes I wish I had never even told him, then none of this would have happened.

But that way, I would never be able to speak to him again...

Is this really better than that?

An unrequited love is better than a suffering one.

Then again, aren't they both one and the same?

At that moment, my phone buzzed, the new message tone beeped out and I flipped it open, feeling the sudden urge to throw the phone out the window.

"After baseball meet me at the store room"

I didn't have to guess who it was from.

I closed the phone and looked out the window, I could see the field from here. I watched the teams come out in their white shiny uniforms, they took position and the coach blew the whistle signaling the start of the game.

I spied Len on the field, his blonde hair flicking out beads of sweat as he ran base to base, a large energetic smile on his face.

Such a boyish and innocent grin, like he hadn't a care in the world.

Why couldn't he look at me that way.

This...this was "normal" Len, the once that hid his grief and showed the rest of the world his "I'm okay" face, but when he was with me, it flowed like a never ending river he was raw and in agony. I had never seen such blue eyes become so dark.

As he made the home run and his team mates cheered, he threw a big thumbs up into the air, looking at what I thought was in my direction.

It caught me off guard, and then I saw next to me a group of girls cheering and screaming. He saluted them and flopped down onto the grass waving.

I slammed the window shut and stormed from the classroom.

Fuck.

I leaned my back against the store room wall, spying the gymnastic mattresses I flopped down on the stack and sighed.

It was always like this.

But I never dare to ask how much longer will I have to do this.

Honestly, I'm conflicted. Part of me hates this and wants to escape from it. Another part, the masochist part of me, likes this. Somehow he needs me...in a way that were a little more than strangers.

The store room flies open and slams shut, making me jump.

His whole expression changes as he enters the room, it goes right back to the one he had on at the funeral.

Pained, tired and in agony.

He throws his cap down and before I know it, he's straddling me, his breath fast and shallow,I can feel the sweat on his arms.

Then we go into our usual routine, our lips meet in a hungry lustful needy kiss, he bites hard on my lower lip and in response I moan out in pain.

His cold hands spare no hesitation, removing my shirt and pants all in one go and casting them to the floor.

As usual, I'm swept up.

I lose all sense of myself.

His hot hands travel down my spine, sending shots of electricity through me.

I moan softly and arch my back.

Who knew pain could feel so good?

My hands tremble as his lips leave my own and travel down my throat to my chest, nipping and kissing parts of my body that up until recently I didn't know I could feel pleasure at.

I groan heavily as his lips come around my nipples, he teases and bites slowly and painfully, making me feels all the more good.

A heat seems to grow in my body and everything south of my waist clenches in anticipation.

My hands kneed at the matt, both of his arms are wrapped around my arched back as he travels lower and lower down my stomach.

Without hesitation, he grabs me in his mouth and my whole body convulses, a hot blush works its way up to my face, an irresistible heat building between my thighs.

My palm is pressed against my mouth, I try my hardest to muffle the sounds i'm making.

I can feel beads of sweat across my whole body.

Two fingers enter me and I can no longer hold back, my back arches further and my hands are outstretched as I release the reign I had on my voice.

I'm moaning and begging to high heaven.

I know what's coming next and my stomach clenches at the thought.

His fingers pulled out and he raised my legs up and caught my eye. His expression had not changed.

Was I comforting him at all?

Then without warning he thrust into me, force, I called out my hands balled up in fists.

Again and again, pounding to a rhythm, every time going deeper and deeper.

I felt my body getting hotter and hotter, my legs started to feel like jello, my breath came out in large pants.

I moaned louder and louder, until I felt my legs start to tense up.

I groaned, my hips raised up to meet his thrusting beat.

Between loud panting breaths I managed to speak.

"I...I..can't..."

I was cut off by my own moaning.

Faster and faster, the rhythm was cutting into me until I felt my whole body tense up and with a loud cry I convulsed and felt my own release and his inside of me.

As he did, he called out with the forbidden name.

"Rin!"

I felt a tear run down and mix with the sweat on my face.

My body was far too exhausted to bother wiping it away as Len's hot and sweaty body collapsed on top of me.

I could feel his chest heaving for air.

The moment kept replaying through my head, calling out her name so shamelessly. Was that it? Did he somehow see her in me?

That must be the reason.

Feeling disgusted with myself,I wriggled out from under him and shakily gathered my clothes and wore them quickly,groping around in the darkness of the store room for my as quick as I could.

Before I could cry more wretched tears.

I was growing tired of this love game.

Somehow despite myself, despite how much I wanted to hate him, I couldn't.

Something stupid inside of me, still hoped one day he would no longer see his sister in me, but instead see...

me.

3

That night, I dreamed of my life before all of this.

The wonderful spring, a year before her death. That magical spring when I had first met him under the cherry blossoms.

Underneath the morning sun, in the classic scene of the blowing wind dazzled with blushed petals that floated through the wind.

The first and last honest smile I had ever seen from him. That was also the day I met her, she introduced me to him, to Len. His blonde hair was bright and swayed in the spring wind.

I remember how perfectly out hands fit together and how warm his hand had felt clasped around mine.

I felt as if my heart had stopped in that moment.

Now, I would kill for a chance to have everything to go back the way it was.

Me, a distant admirer. Just a boy with a fantasy.

Not dating her, not comforting him.

Just...a boy with a fantasy.

But I don't think any amount of wishing will bring back such a peaceful time.

It's amazing how much your life can change in the blink of an eye, how if you don't take notice you'll be left behind looking for a time long since gone.

I rolled onto my side, my light grey hair falling across my face, I caught my eye in the reflection of the window.

Not once have I ever been ashamed of what I look like, but now as I traced the outline of my face I wondered whether any of this would have happened if I looked different.

Sure, she and I shared the same eyes and I had neck long hair like her...but what else made us similar?

How could he see her in me?

I didn't know whether I wanted to be different..

The night was shitty, that was the best way to phrase it.

Only when I woke at 8 in the morning did i realize it was a weekend. I threw myself back on the bed and attempted to "sleep". Something I did not do at night these days.

With no luck, I drew my heavy body from bed and skimped out on the shower, large bags were under my eyes, my pale face seemed to show that I had lost weight.

I padded down to the kitchen and ate, something old and tasteless then collapsed at the dining table.

What to do now?

I was so fed up with being like this.

I can't even remember the last time I had laughed.

I laughed crudely, fuck.

Just as I began to close my eyes, feeling a strange exhaustion wash over me, a large pair of eyes popped into my blackening vision.

"Piko?"

What a high pitched annoying voice.

But I felt too weak to bother making any indication I wanted him gone.

"Hey, don't sleep out here,you'll catch a cold!" The golden eyes went wide and small delicate hands shook at my shoulders.

"Pikoooooooooo!" It called.

How annoying.

Finally, I sat upright, groaning irritatedly.

I glared at my blonde haired intruder.

"Get out Oliver." I mumbled, pushing away his hands.

"Aww come on!' He pouted, setting his hat down on the table 'I haven't seen you in ages!"

"And i would much rather it stay that way." I growled, rubbing my head, feeling a headache coming on.

"Look,I wanted to check up on you! No one has seen you in at past 5 months! People are worried!"

"What people?' I scoffed 'No one's worried Oliver, don't be so stupid! They all hate me, I'm just a murderer" I said quietly, feeling my face grow hot.

"And I'm paying for it." I finished silently.

Oliver's expression was shocked.

"This is exactly what Luka-senpai said not to do! You can't blame yourself for her death!" He yelled back indignantly.

I slumped in my chair, he didn't get it.

"We know you loved her.' But I didn't. ' We know it's hard, but we are all worried for you!"

"Who's we?' I asked, glaring 'My friends? Huh? Meito-senpai, Gumiyo, Kaito-san? Please, they left long ago.I'm sure they hate me too. Who's wants to befriend a murderer?"

"You are not a murderer! For god sake-'

But just before the argument could escalate further, my cell phone beeped.

"Art room. Now."

I pocketed the phone and rushed to the door, the chair toppling to the floor.

"Hey where are you going!" Oliver shouted after me.

Yet before he could reach me, I was out the door and running.

Please believe me Oliver, I tried to believe it myself.

It tried to convince myself, that it wasn't my fault.

But nothing can wash away this guilt.

Maybe, just maybe earning his forgiveness will do something...but now...I am unsure.

The school was dormant, the halls silent and seemed strange to be in these halls without the noise, it felt...haunted.

I ran my fingers along the walls, it was midday already. Time sure did pass quickly.

I walked up the stairs, my sneakers squeaking slightly on the polished plastic coated flooring.

Why must he choose the art room of all places?

Doesn't he know I spend all day in there?

Of course not.

Does he enjoy torturing me that much?

I smirked to myself, of course he does you fool.

You deserve it too.

Thank you self, I didn't need the reminder.

The door of the art room was open a fraction and I caught a glimpse of his lean body sitting atop a desk, his eyes cast out over the baseball field below, the midday sun seemed to make his blonde hair glow, yet sadly his blue eyes were watery and dull.

I pushed open the door and walked awkwardly into the room, my body tensed as he set eyes on me.I expected him to tackle me like he usually did,instead he simple stared.

With that same soft and needy stare he gave me at the funeral.

As usual, he wasn't seeing...me.

Still with the way he looked at me, I couldn't ran down my spine, making my skin crawl.I felt so antsy.

What was he going to do?

Finally, I grew the courage to speak up.

"If you don't need me' My voice was quiet and shaky, I wasn't sure how he would react. 'I'll leave."

When he didn't respond, I was ready to turn and bolt for the door.

"Wait.' I turned around in shock, his voice was hoarse and dry. He rose his face and met my gaze, for a second there I felt him see me. Then "that" look returned. 'Please don't again"

With those words, he pinned me to a wall,I felt unable to escape,unable to breath, unable to do anything except look.

Slowly,he rose from the desk and walked over to me,in long labored steps.

Soon he was close enough to pin me against the wall with his hand traveled into my hair and he teased it gently between his fingers.

My breathing hitched and I cursed at myself.

His fingers traced my jawline then cups my cheek, the entire time his eyes dont leave my own, I can feel my stomach tense in anticipation.

Then, the most unexpected thing happened.

His arms wrap around my waist, drawing our bodies such a cold and lonely expression his body couldn't be warmer.

I can feel his well built arms tighten around my waist, he buries his head in my neck.

"I missed you."

He raises his head, and kisses me without warning. Softly and tenderly, like a...lover.

No hungry and lustful kisses, no strong a soft rhythm, teasing and making my heart stop.

A thought passed in my mind.

Was this kiss for...me?

Just as I began to kiss him back, the unspoken word was spoken as he broke for a moment.

"Rin."

I worked on instinct, misery and blind fury exploded in my chest.

I pushed him away, punching him in his jaw before bolting out the door,stumbling, running, blinded by tears, the hallways seemed to melt into one another on an endless path.

I heard him call out behind me.

Whether it was my name or not, I didn't care.

Foolish, foolish boy!

How could you have even though something like that!?

He would never see you, you didn't exist in his eyes!

It was Rin, always Rin, at every corner there she was, mocking me then and mocking me now.

She's dead dammit!

My heart pounded, blood rushing in my ears.

Len did not love me, I was a replacement.A substitute for something long gone.

That's all we would ever be.

A puppet and the puppeteer.

Never really...people.

Just...strangers.

Where I was now, I didn't sun was still bright.I blindly searched for shade and exhausted both body and soul.I was reaching my limit.

I want out.

I want to be gone.

But I am forever chained to him, like a dog.

I am itching to get away.

For death by guilt seems so much more welcoming that your endless torture.

4

When I awoke, it was again quiet. The sound of small crickets humming in the grass was that could be heard. The stars above in the sky twinkled dimly.

It was night.

I sat up, my body ached all over.

I ran my fingers across my lips,the skin was still tender and tingled at my touch.

Before I could, I shook the memory out of my mind and hauled my body off the grass.

This was a park, somewhere near to my house.

Why had I run here?

Ah, I remember was where she and I had out first moment alone her shadow of a brother finally left us.

We kissed under the swing set in the spring winds.

Even in your death, I'm running to you.

Somehow,this made me smile.

I walked out of the park, ad followed the quiet footpath towards my house.

It was hardly anything fancy,but still expensive for a high school student to afford.

Hopefully Oliver would be gone by now.

I placed my key in the lock and walked into my house, the door swinging shut behind me.

To my dismay Oliver was there, in an apron, grinning stupidly.

I wasn't in the mood.

I was tired and angry and a whole...miserable.

He was too cheery for my mood.

"Welcome home Piko!" He grinned, waving a spatula in one hand.

"Why are you in my house?" I deadpanned, my eyebrow twitching irritatedly.

"Well, I was in my way out after you ran off' He remarked with a little anger on the "ran off" part 'then there was this guy at your something about being your room mate."

"Room mate?"

I don't remember ever asking for a room mate...

"He's in the kitchen, he's very nice!" Oliver beamed.

In the kitchen? What the-?

I padded into the kitchen and there sat my supposed room mate.

Lean and tall, but medium short length pink hair and bright green eyes. He sat slumped in the chair with his legs folded up and a crisp white Iphone resting on my black beanie pulled low.

"Who the hell are you?" I was far too pissed to bother with pleasantries.

He jumped up alarmed, and eyes me strangely for a second.

"sorry sorry, I'm the room mate you asked for? I know I was supposed to come next month but well...plans got moved along." He replied with an embarrassed blush.

Then it hit me.

"Sadly I remember' I remark with distaste 'I would have kicked you out if I hadn't.' I growled, stomping to the fridge and grabbing a glass of water 'What's your name?"

"Yuuma." He replied simple.

"That's it? Just...Yuuma?" I twitch my brow irritated.

"Yep."

I rolled my eyes and began to walk out.

"I have no other bed set on the floor." I called from atop the stairs.

"Hey Piko! Don't be so mean to him!"

I ended the conversation with the slam of my door.

What the bloody hell.

Why this now?

New room mate, new behavior. I needed none of this.

I was not in the state to get along with someone else.

Collapsing onto my bed, I released a long sigh.

Can't everyone...just...go away?

What a horrible Saturday.

The next morning felt like the one was another body in my bed.

Arms wrapped around me, my face against a breathing on the top of my head.

For a split second I though it was Len, then my senses kicked in and I pushed my way out of the arms.

A sleepy head came off the pillow, with messy irritating pink hair.

"Good morning" Yuuma said sleepily, yawning and stretching his long lean arms and flashing me a goofy grin.

My spine prickled with anger.

"What the hell are you doing in my bed!" I hissed, smacking him across the face.

Yuuma blinked his green eyes innocently, touching his cheek and pouting at me.

"I didn't know where else to sleep..."

I rolled my eyes and stormed off to the bathroom.

"Didn't I say on the floor!" I yelled before slamming the door shut.

I let out a growl of frustration and tugged at a clump of hair.

What is with people!? Do I need a sign to hang from my head saying "Leave me the fuck alone?"

The most annoying part was he didn't get it, don't just invite yourself into other people's beds!

Maybe what bugged me even more, was the he smelled and felt so much like Len did.

That's what got to me the most.

It left me confused and speechless, I ran the shower and sunk to the bottom and curled up under the freezing cold stream.

I don't know what I should do anymore.

Did people enjoy toying with me that much?

After what seemed like only a few moments later, I heard the door crash body had gone numb under the icy cold I wondered how long I had been there. I saw the blurred figure of Yuuma crashing into the bathroom and I'm certain he was it sounded rather distorted to me.

I blinked, trying to clear my vision and before I knew it he was hoisting me up and carrying me in his arms, wrapping me in a blanket like some kind of baby.

I tried to squirm and wriggle away, to get out of his grip, but somehow I heard his soft voice, hushing the same words.

"its going to be okay"

Who did he think I was? Some kind of helpless child!?

But despite my inner screaming, I relaxed against him, inhaling was funny how he could smell just like Len, and with that final thought my eyes drifted shut.

I hate room mates.

When I finally came to, it was midday. I was lying down on the couch, the window was open so warm sunlight, which would soon disappear with the coming winter, drafted into the room, falling across my my numb limbs.

Yuuma was sitting next to me, my legs were resting on his thighs.

His eyes were closed, hands across him stomach, neck bent and mouth opened and closed as he breathed silently beside me.

I kicked him hard in the ribs, as he awoke with a jolt I glared.

"What the freaking hell.' I began, until he cut me off.

"Enough man, I only just moved in' Yuuma pinched the bridge of his nose and glared back at me 'It's been only a few hours since we met, and you've been a prick the entire time! This was arranged, remember? Why do I feel like you don't want me here?"

At this, I laughed. Cold and rueful.

What does he know? nothing.

"What do you know? Hmm? You think I'm like this because I don't like you!? HuH? Is that your conclusion?" I challenged, I couldn't stop my voice from raising.

"Then tell me why i'm wrong."

My turn, I rubbed my head, a strong wave of nausea hitting me, causing me to sway. How long had it been since I had eaten?

"Why, is none of your came at a bad, correction, worst time possible.' i sighed, propping myself up on pillows.I felt so disgustedly weak. 'I can't deal with you on top of everything else!"

"Why do you want a room mate anyway? You hardly seem the sociable person." Yuuma glared, rising from the sofa.

"God you really are an insensitive ass' I mumble half to myself and half to him 'Do you only think of yourself when you speak? Huh? Why else would a high school kid be living on his own?"

Yuuma stayed quiet.

"I don't have parents you asshole. I'm a dumpster kid, in the middle of one hell of a fucked up shut the fuck up and excuse me for being a little bit of a prick right now!I have enough to deal with got it? I'm mourning more deaths than I can count!" I screamed in hysteria.

Now I was going crazy.

Yelling and screaming, running right off topic. I had been okay being like that.A dumpster on whatever scraps I could get.

I was alright with it.

I somehow managed to get by.

Now, this insensitive asswipe just had to fuck me all up inside.

Len, this , that , him, her.

I'm a to mention I can hardly think straight.

"With you...and him..and her' I try to continue but my voice goes hoarse and betrays me 'what am I supposed to do?" I whimper, my head falling into my hand, pressing the palm of my hands into my eyes until, in the deathly silence something cracks and I begin to cry a flood of shameful tears.

He is a complete god why must you remind me so much of him?

I feel him kneel beside me, he clears his throat awkwardly.

"Don't comfort me.' I say in a hard tone 'I don't want your sympathy."

Then, his large arms come around me and I feel, again, my head being pressed against his chest.

"Shut the fuck up." He whispers into my hair, as he rhythmically rubs my back.

I feel him smile.

"I hate you, you know that right?" I say half-heartedly.

"Of course."

So, I let him. I let him stay there and hug me, and silently whisper to me that everything would be okay, all the while I didn't stop crying. I let out every tear I had stored away.

What the fuck am I doing?

5

It had been a long time since I had slept well. Well, maybe "well" is a bit of an overstatement. But for once, I didn't wake up with a pounding drumming headache that threatened to burst my temples.

Even better, no other annoying pink head in my bed.

I thought of yesterday afternoon, I don't know why I mentioned my past to him. That wasn't something I didn't usually do.I am a private person.

It must have been a mixture of hunger, exhaustion and sickness.

They can make you delusional and crazy.

I was definetly going crazy.

I walked down the stairs, feeling a strange sense of "better" follow me down, something like the feeling you get when you the worst of a cold passes.

Sadly, I'm still sick.

It was a new day, and my eyes caught sight of my cursed phone.

It hit me then, Len hadn't called yesterday. It had been a daily thing, our little "meet ups" I didn't know how to feel when he didn't call me out.

Yuuma appeared at the foot of the stairs and waved me out of my trance.

He smiled innocently.

"I made breakfast."

Food huh. I had forgotten what it tastes the kitchen, it smelled strongly of eggs and bacon.

"How much do you want?" Yuuma asked awkwardly, in the silence of the room.

Was it because of yesterday?

Feeling too tired, I shrugged and sat at the table and rested my head. Watching him serve up food.

This all felt so ...regular.

In my bubble of grief, I had been so absent from "normal."

Breakfast was brief.I hardly ate and that was that.

"You should really eat more' Yuuma commented, clearing the dishes 'You are really 't you growing?"

I nodded.

"You look sick too, how are you feeling?" He asked.

I made a signal that indicated fine and got up too leave.I didn't feel like speaking to him,what an annoying scent he had,it seemed to smell of Len everywhere.

I though i could escape him here.

Before i could leave, Yuuma grabbed my forearm and hauled me back.

"Alright speak 's wrong?" His brow was frowned in concern.

"Nothing." I reply simply, trying to wiggle away, how do you tell someone that you hate how they smell?

Mainly because it reminds me of what I hate to love?

You don't, that's the thing.

"I'm fine, completely don't have to worry about me." I deadpan, finally freed from his hold.

He eyes me strangely and admits defeat, "Fine" With that, he stalks into the kitchen.

Then just as I start to think I might be able to relax and happily skip school, there goes my phone.

I can only laugh when I check the message.

Come.

I left the phone and went for the door, when it was brief like that I knew, he wasn't at wanted me at home.

I left Yuuma in the kitchen and left the house, making my leave obvious with the loud shut of the he would pursue me or not I didn't care.

Len's home was simple and cozy, a house built for a thriving was now left in shambles. The door was unlocked as always and the house was dim and uncared for.

It was like it had been frozen in time.

Pictures hung on the walls of a smiling family,now I bet who couldn't even smile themselves.

Stupid girl, don't you see what happened? You just had to die, didn't you?

You never knew how many people loved you.

I walked in and headed upstairs, most likely he was and waiting.

I hadn't seen Len's mother since the funeral, from what I had heard she disappeared to Hokkaido as soon as the funeral ended, leaving her husband and he son to suffer alone.

Len's father left soon after, I think he moved abroad and filed for a divorce.

Meanwhile here, in this home, Len still sits and waits.

I wonder if he waits for them still...

The bedroom door is open a fraction and inside it's gloomy, a figure is atop the bed, staring down at his hands.

Walking in, I stand opposite, my stomach clenching.

"Len?" I whispers cautiously, afraid to break the deathly silence in the house.

"I waited for you.' He said slowly, raising his moved off of the bed and backed me against the wall. 'Next time, don't be so late." His voice was low and menacing and his hands were dangerously close to my neck.

I swallowed back my fear and closed my eyes, waiting for it too start.

"Today, you'll do what I say." Len said suddenly sitting back on the bed.

"Huh?"

"Sit" He commanded, his eyes hungry and voice hoarse.

I sat on the floor is this?

Why is he doing this?

"Touch yourself."

"Wh...what!?" I exclaimed.

His eyes darkened further and he came off the bed, standing above me.

"Do you forget...what you are doing? Have you forgotten what you've done?"

I swallowed nervously, I had.

" ." Len sat down again, eyes not leaving my body.I felt as though he was trying to burn a hole right through my chest.

I took a deep breath, and bent at his feet, my throat seemed to close as if constricted by a collar.

I was a dog.

Bending my head, I kissed his feet and stared up at him.

"I'm sorry."

He did not reply and stared me down.

Backing away, I sat and opened my legs, a blush bright on my face.

Heart beating fast, I started to feel this.

But I owed him! it was my fault and I would pay for it, in anyway he requested.

I bit my lip as I loosened my belt and lowered my zip, I tasted blood as my cold hands came around myself,my body twitched.

Len only stared, his eyes watching my hands.

Swallowing hard, I moved up and down, unable to look back at him.

Somehow, despite how I screamed at myself, my body reacted. I could feel the heat building, my legs seemed to open further by themselves.I couldn't keep myself from panting and letting out small pitiful moans.

Len shifted and I jerked my head up and stared at him.

"Don't stop."

Looking away, I continued, my own self hatred growing ever further.

Shivers ran up and down my spine, my whole body shaking, my body dripping in sweat.

Faster and faster I went. Squeezing my eyes shut.

How long had it been?

Not long at all.

I was going to burst at any moment.

My heart raging, moaning freely now, my hand balled up the carpet in a fist.

"A..ah...I..can't" I panted between moans, I couldn't take anymore, the sensation was killing me.

"Stop."

All of a sudden, just before I could, Len seized my hand and striped off my pants and underwear.

He said nothing else and I felt two fingers penetrate from behind. I gasped at entry and was reverted back to a horny wriggling mess.

Somewhere along the way, a part of me began to enjoy this.

The heat grew and I exploded, releasing with a scream, my back arching off the ground.

I panted and sucked in air, but before I could recover I was thrown onto the bed, Len was staring down at me, hungry, needy and lustful.

"You're not done yet." He whispered.

We ended up doing it for I awoke, it was evening day had flown hips ached as well as my voice had gone hoarse.

I screamed till my voice was soar.

I searched for my clothes, but couldn't locate them anywhere,instead I grabbed a silk sheet and wrapped it around hung off me loosely, only reminding me how skinny I had become.

Len still slept, somehow in his sleep he looked he wasn't in pain.

But I could only imagine what nightmares he may be having.

Wrapping the cool blanket around me, I paced out of the room and down the stairs into the living room.

I spotted dusty picture frames on the mantle, rubbing it away with my thumb I saw his family.

Rin, Len hugging each other and laughing, eyes squinting and large with her usual loud colored dress and Len dressed in a plain white shirt with black pants.

Their parents stood behind, holding 's mother donned in a white dress that lifted her pale blonde hair and eyes were a soft blue, unlike red and dark like at the funeral.

Len's father, a reassuring hand on Len's shoulder, he was dressed in a smart suit, with nicely framed glasses.

This was a picture of a family that once it was a falling apart puzzle.

Incomplete and jumbled until unrecognizable.

I traced Len's face with my finger, I couldn't describe how sad it was.

Leaving the mantle, I went back upstairs,Len was still sleeping soundly, the room was filled with his soft breathing.

I gathered my clothes and this time, I didn't hate him, I instead felt an overwhelming urge to hug and protect him.

Even if he was using me.

I kissed him lightly on the forehead and he mumbled softly and I closed the door.

I want to go home.

**6**

The lights were still on when I returned home. I think from now on, I won't be attending school. It was a waste and I didn't have time for it anyway.

I would go back….soon?

I entered the house and first thing I saw was Yuuma, hands on his hips. Looking very angry indeed.

"Where the heck did you go?" He demanded.

I shrug, how nice my furniture looked in the evening sun.

"Alright, enough. You disappear for a whole day, say nothing at all about it. You got to tell me your problem man! This shit….this shit if fucked up!" He yelled advancing towards me.

I don't bother to resist him as he pushed me up against the wall, pinning me by my wrists.

"I have only been here like 2 days, and first you have a break down so I respect your personal life, but now your disappearing for hours. I don't know what happens to you when your gone, but you come back a fucking mess! What the hell is going on? This aint normal!" Yuuma spat, staring angrily into my eyes.

What was I to do?

I partly hate him, no matter how kind or caring he was towards me. I hated him because he represented everything I couldn't have. His very existence was just taunting me.

I lowered my gaze, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, afraid I may give something away.

"There are something's you just won't understand" I mutter softly.

I know I was just burdening everyone else around me with my problems, which I brought upon myself.

The greed of the heart effects everyone around me.

But how can I fake a smile? I tried, to act happy and act normal, but I couldn't. What happened behind the scenes was to heavy an impact for me bare.

So now, I myself pushed everyone away. Now the only person who was kind enough to me and noticed my foul moods would be pushed away too.

By myself.

It's a strange feeling when you want nothing to do with anyone, but you want someone to pay attention to you.

What am I to do?

"Then let me understand. I hardly know you, that's a given' He sighed 'But let me help, I'm not going to be some useless room mate who ignores that fact that you come home every night like someone's just treated you like a slave! Because that's what this looks like."

I sigh, he hit the nail right on the head, do I really give that much away?

Now, I realize I don't want to push him away. So if I give nothing away, he'll stay?

Do things work like that?

In my silence, Yuuma releases my wrists and backs away, leaving me leaning against the wall.

Yuuma looks down at his hands.

"You're really skinny you know."

Ah, so he felt it.

I wrap my arms around myself, and try to walk away.

"I'll just go to sleep now" I mumble, silently I pray he'll let me be. Why can I find no peace?

"No." Yuuma comes and pushes me towards the couch, forcing me to sit.

"Look' He pinches the bridge of his nose and looks away 'I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but I talked to Oliver before you came home, he told me some things." Yuuma gave me a knowing look.

So, Oliver told him huh? I wasn't sure what to say now.

"I know about the death, of your girlfriend.' He reached out to my palm comfortingly, instinctively I pulled away. God, what's wrong with me? 'Oliver told me how you blame yourself for the crash and her death that night, how you keep beating yourself up over her death."

"You don't understand!' I burst out hysterically. I feel tears form on the rim of my eyes 'You don't understand at all" I whimper.

Truth was, part of me was slowly coming to terms with Rin's death. Part of me was starting to believe it wasn't my fault.

But, it was Len's grief that rubbed salt on the wound, I was so lost with him, his grief about his dead sister, his hatred towards me made that part of me slowly, little by little diminish.

I wanted to be free of all this, I wanted Len to be too.

Honestly, I was lost and confused.

I didn't understand what I wanted.

I blink and tears fall, why can't I keep myself from crying around you?

Yuuma sat beside me and draped an arm across my shoulders and drew me close to his chest.

"See? Again you're crying. Will you please tell me what happened?" He said softly, in a tone that was so caring it hurt.

Between sobs, I manage to speak.

"It was a game between us. She was never meant to die. If only I had paid attention and stopped focusing on other things, I didn't listen to her at all, she was yelling. Then impact' I inhaled, the horrific moment playing through my head. The bright light, the screaming sound of impact between metal and the last look I would ever see her face make.

It read sorry-i-played-you-looks-like-our-game-is-over.

It burned a hole in my chest and everything fell to pieces.

Now I was an empty shell of who I used to be, there was nothing left.

She and her brother had taken everything.

'I..i…" I opened and closed my mouth trying to form words. But nothing came to me.

I want to explain myself, but I couldn't.

"Please, for god's sake just stop crying." Yuuma whispered bringing me in for a full hug. I could feel his breath on my neck.

I can't. Whenever I'm around you, I just…can't hold back anything.

His request only made me cry more.

The next thing I know, I feel a pressure on my lips.

His mouth was pressing right against mine.

He's kissing me.

This kiss was so different, neither hungry nor desperate like Len's kisses. It was instead caring, soft and delicate, as if I was made of glass.

Yuuma broke away and ran a finger down a tear line.

"You stopped crying." He gave a weak smile.

How the hell was I supposed to react now?

Did that even mean anything?

"You can't do that anymore." I whisper, my voice slightly hoarse from sobbing.

"Why?"

"Be…because' Shakily I get to my feet, I hate to do this. I'm pushing him away, just like everyone else. 'I can't take that, I…."

"Do you already have someone else?" Yuuma asks, his eyes dark.

I nod. This was a lie. Len was not my lover at all, although I did love him and hate him. He on the other hand despised my existence and used me as a replacement.

But, this way Yuuma would back off and maybe just stay as a roommate.

He rises from the couch and grabs me by waist pulling me close.

"Then, I have competition." He says softly in my ear.

What?

Pushing me down onto the couch so I'm lying down with him on top, he stares into my eyes.

"Whoever he is, he isn't treating you very well.' He picks up my wrist and kisses it lightly, looking at me as he does so. 'Why would you stay with someone like that?' As he talks, I can feel his hot breath against my wrist, making my body shiver. He pierces me with his gaze. 'When you can have someone who would care for you?"

"Please Yuuma, let me go." I beg, trying to squirm free.

He can't do this, it wouldn't work. I'm pinned to Len whether I like it or not.

"I can't' His tone gets angry again 'That bastard is hurting you, I can see that! Can't you!? Personally, I've had enough of it."

With that it's another kiss, just like the first soft and teasing.

Yet, as much as I try to get away from this, part of me likes the way he is. Treating me gently, like I'm worth something to someone.

But still! I…can't.

Slowly, with my arms pinned above my head, he unbuttons my shirt. Revealing many months' worth of marks.

He runs his finger over each one of them; I bite my lip and squirm helplessly again.

"Please you have to stop!"

This can't happen, my heart was sold and so was my fate.

Sucking a breath, I kick blindly, thrashing my legs as hard as I could.

I hear him grunt and a I run when the opportunity presented itself. Dashing to the stairs and locking myself safely behind my room door.

I overacted, I think as I listen to my own panting and to the footsteps coming up the stairs.

He was caring for me, being nice. Something I have wanted, but like most things can't have.

I pray he will understand, but I will have to understand if he leaves.

I hear his outside my door.

"Piko, forgive me. I got way ahead of myself' Yuuma's tone is soft and apologetic. 'I just couldn't stand watching someone I care for getting hurt, please…..don't hate me."

Tears flow again.

Idiot, that's my line.

The next day, I awake on the floor. My back aches and I see midday sun filter in through the drawn curtains.

A headache stabs at my forehead, ouch.

I exit the room and walk down to the living room, Yuuma wasn't here. Panic strikes, did he leave?

In truth, it would be understandable if he did.

I see a note on the kitchen counter, in scribbly hand writing it reads:

I'll be back.

That's it?

No indication to where he went, or when he'll be back. Then again I didn't even leave a note when I left.

This must be payback.

I suppose today, I'll watch television. Do something normal, maybe it would take my mind of yesterday and the past few months.

Of my life in general I hope.

Then, the loud sound of the doorbell struck through the house.

I frown, who could it be? Not Oliver, he wouldn't even bother. Not Yuuma, he had a key. No one else knew the address of my house.

With caution, I answer the door.

The person I see, it doesn't surprise me. In fact, I expected it. He doesn't often come here, but when he does…it's always a whole entire day, sometimes even two of his presence.

I open the door wide, expecting him to walk in like he usually does.

Instead, he just stands there.

"P…Piko?"

I look up at him in surprise, is this….actual Len? Not grief Len?

That was the first time he called my name.

"Sorry' He rubs the back of his head nervously, 'I don't know what I'm doing here."

He laughs and looks at me awkwardly.

Does this mean…he doesn't remember anything?

I'm too shocked to speak.

"Do…do you remember anything?" I ask, suddenly feeling weak.

Len stares at me confused "Remember what?"

"You're….sister….and"

He interrupts me "Yeah, I know that, my sister dies 5 months ago in a car accident' His eyes widen 'you two were dating! I know it must be hard. My family still hasn't quite recovered….."

"What is this? How do you not' I start of strong, my voice close to yelling, How can he do such things and not remember!? 'Remember…"

Another confused look, he really doesn't know.

I can feel myself shaking. I wrap my arms around myself and look away. I feel so many emotions at once, it's overwhelming. But I refuse to cry.

"If you have no purpose here ' I say quietly 'please leave."

I nudge the door shut and just before it does, his hand blocks the door.

Len pushed his way inside and stares at me.

"I..I did something didn't I?" He asks quietly.

I don't know how to answer, this is actual Len! How so I act? What do I say? I'm so used to saying nothing around him, and just being used. I was so used to being ignored by actual Len.

I step away; somehow I'm wishing Yuuma would come home.

"You didn't do anything….." I answer automatically.

Len takes a step forward, eyeing me "You've gotten really skinny since last time I saw you. People have been telling me about you in school, how you've just disappeared. I….I was on my way home and next thing I knew I was here.' He looks at me confused 'How? I don't even know where you live…"

Len reaches out to touch me and I tense, it was automatic. Since usually his touch was followed by something else. But this was actual Len, and he didn't respond well to my tensing up.

He comes very close and I'm pinned.

"What did I do?' He looks away angrily 'I've been doing things, haven't i? Ever since her death, I've been doing things without knowing it. I beat some guy till he was hospitalized!' He shouted, I flinch 'and I didn't even know it. So tell me Piko. What have I done to you?"

I swallowed hard.

"You didn't do anything." I whisper.

Len growls. "What did I do!?" He shouts angrily, catching me off guard.

He really didn't know.

I was scared, when Len got angry someone got hurt. One time it was me, I want to avoid that.

Biting my lip, I leaned in to his ear and whispered to him the truth that he didn't want to hear.

His eyes widen and Len puts a hand over his mouth in shock.

"Oh. My god" He mutters backing away.

He knew.

"I…I told you to do that?" He mutters.

"Yes. I wanted you to forgive me for what I had done…..and that's what you said."

He swallowed and began to pace.

"For 5 months, every day I called you?' He paused and I nodded 'and we…..did that?"

I nodded again, inside I felt so dirty and ashamed.

For 5 whole minutes we stood in silence.

Finally Len spoke.

"I…..I am so sorry for everything, although I think my sorry doesn't cut it for what I did.' He looks up at me, there is still a huge distance between us 'I…I want you to know that I forgive you. I never blamed you for her death in the first place. None of us did. I won't bother you again." With that Len bolted out the door, leaving me in a silence.

It took a while for me to realize.

I was…free.

But, with that the hole inside felt bigger and emptier. With a confused frown, I felt tears.

How am I sad?

I'm free aren't I?

Isn't this what I wanted?

Now he had forgiven me, didn't this mean I could now go on and live my life? Be happy again?

Why was I crying?

I heard Yuuma walk in the front door.

"Piko!" He saw me and rushed towards me. Shamefully crying and sobbing into his chest, gripping desperately to his jacket.

"That guy running just now…..was he?" Yuuma's voice was menacingly low. I kept crying.

"I knew it!" He shouted, turning to run after. But I held him back, holding tight to his jacket.

"Yuuma, help' I sobbed 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"

I felt his arm around my back and he pulled me close to his chest.

"Alright, alright. Shh, it'll be ok." He soothed.

What do I do?

**7**

2 weeks gone.

Things had settled, but the feeling in my gut hadn't. Yuuma was still in the dark, but he was supportive and there when needed which seemed a lot.

I felt so lost each day, like I didn't know where I was going.

Len hadn't called.

Was I really….free?

It couldn't be, not so easily.

That's not how it works!

I don't get it at all.

Every single time I think about it, I get frustrated and angry. Usually taking it out on Yuuma.

Why can nothing ever make sense?

This wasn't how it was supposed to be, even though I didn't know how it was, but this wasn't it.

In my future of freedom, it had Len in it.

In this, Len believes he's dangerous and promised never to come near me again.

I want to explain that I want him, actual Len. I want the previous you and me to be us and we.

But how can I get that now that you've promised such a thing!?

I smash a fist on the table and press my palms into my eyes.

What am I supposed to do now?

These past two weeks, I was supposed to get better. Heal up my damaged self.

But this unease had put me in a worse state. More sleepless nights and I don't even bother with eating anymore.

The door is opened and there is a brief exchange of words before I hear high heels and Yuuma's soft socks on the wooden floor.

"Utatane?" Comes a womanly voice.

The bright pink hair gives her away, Luka sits opposite me, her pink hair draped over her shoulders; I hadn't seen her since the funeral.

She frowns "You look terrible."

I scoff "So what."

I was in no mood. Again I was frustrated, I don't fully understand why.

"Come back to school will you? Everyone is worried!"

"Not this again, sorry I've heard enough from Oliver about "how everyone is worried". I'm not coming back. That is final." Not until I sort this out, I add silently.

"Look' Luka scowls 'even Len was asking about you yesterday."

"Huh?" Why the heck would he ask about me?  
"He was talking to Oliver, asking questions like when you'd come back and whether you had been eating." Luka eyes me suspiciously.

"What did Oliver say?" Now I was intrigued and even more confused.

"He said, he didn't know and that no one had seen you in weeks."

"What did Len say?" I demanded.

Luka scowled again 'Don't do that' She said flipping back a stray piece of hair 'Len said nothing, but he looked very worried." She sighed.

I sat back, where did this leave me?

Confused that's what.

I hate this stupid feeling of not knowing anything. I'm sick of it.

Yuuma walked in and caught on to my growing frustration.

"Megurine-san, come here a moment please?" He invited her kindly to the living room, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

I could hear them talking.

"I suggest you leave."

"Wha-why?" Luka demands, in a hushed tone.

"Please do, I'm not sure either but Piko is just unstable right now."

Bastard.

"What the heck do you mean? Why are you calling him by his first name? who are you…."

Before Luka could finish, Yuuma pushed her out the door and closed it.

"You're welcome" He says, when I don't respond he sits opposite.

"You've been really angry this past two weeks, will you tell me what happened?" He pushed in his caring tone.

I could hide nothing from him and that irritated me further.

"I'm so confused it hurts. I'll tell you when I know myself, but that might exceed both yours and my lifetime." I spit, leaving the kitchen in a huff.

With all these mood swings, I must be pregnant.

Another day gone, with still no Len.

So he was worried huh? That didn't make sense.

Yuuma was gone for the night, to his job as a bartender at a local club.

He still refuses to bring me alcohol.

Consuming liquor would only further destroy this damaged body.

Oh well.

A ruined liver, heart and stomach.

Maybe I should smoke, make the whole process faster.

It was probably around midnight now. Yuuma wouldn't be back for another 3 hours.

I realize now how lonely my house is, once I've experienced having another person living in it.

I feel my eyelids grow heavy, slowly they start to close.

My head rests on my arms and soon I fall asleep.

8

When I awake, the clock in the kitchen reads 2 am. I had best move from the kitchen table to bed before Yuuma gets back, or else he'll yell at me.

I slowly rise, scooting out of the chair and move sleepily to the stairs.

Then, there's a knock on the door.

I assume it's Yuuma, probably forgot the key again.

I open the door and well, let's just say it wasn't Yuuma.

I'm snapped out of my sleepy trance.

"L…Len…uh…Kagamine-san" I mutter shocked.

"Hey." He greets sheepishly.

Hey? That's all he has to say?

The longer I look at him, the angrier I start to feel, but the more he looks at me, the more my anger dissipates.

"I..I thought you promised not to bother me." I say with a hint of anger.

"I know, but I want you to hear me out.' He looks past me into the house 'Can I come in?"

Opening the door, Len walks inside and waits till I close it to start talking.

"I know what I did to you is unforgivable, and you must hate me for it. But I want to clear things up with you. It's true, I did date my sister ' He says it in a way that is filled with sadness 'It's true for a little while I did hate you, I thought you killed her and vowed not to forgive you, but after a month I realized it wasn't your fault. I stopped blaming you, I forgave you!' He yelled, desperate 'But, I don't know how I kept doing that. Rin….she was my everything and I….I forgave you so long ago….I don't understand it myself."

Len looks at me, but I am lost, how can I reply to this.

"It's just that, after I lost her I thought I would be on my own forever, there was no girl out there who was like her, who could make me feel happy like she did. Long before he death, our parents had problems…our family just couldn't take it when she died. I thought I would never care for someone like I had with her, ever again."

What was he getting at here?

"During these two weeks, all I found myself doing was thinking…..about you. I was worried, I know I caused you to beat yourself up like this. I could think of nothing else."

Anticipation and anxiousness bloomed in my stomach.

What was he getting at?

Len advanced towards me, and took my hands in his. They were warm and took me back to the spring that we met.

His blue eyes stared right into mine, I could feel my heart start to pound.

"I…I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just following this gut feeling I have, but….' His words trailed off and melted into a kiss.

This was actual Len, real Len, this was baseball loving, blue eyed Len.

I felt choked and so many things at once, my head was teeming with questions.

He pulled away and stayed very close to me. He had grown taller.

"I…I want to get over her. I want to be free of this god damn grief that I've been carrying around, I…I want…..y…o…u." His lips had formed words I had never dreamed he'd really say.

This wasn't real. How could this be real?

"If you reject me, I can understand. I hurt you in more ways than one and I have no right to love you and you to love me but, I can't think of anything else. If you don't want to, then please, let go of my hands and I swear I will never bother you again." Len spoke so gently, so much like a real person that it scared me.

My hands slipped from his grasp, and there was the face of pained Len.

I knew and he knew that he could easily force me just like those other times.

But this time, he wanted me.

I watched him walk away.

Now, he wanted me, he no longer saw Rin in me, he saw Piko. Utatane Piko.

Me.

Trying to blink away the forming tears, I blindly reached out for him. Even if this is a dream and I wake in a few minutes tortured and in misery because of it, I will enjoy it until then.

I felt his sleeve and I held on tight.

Len looked back at me, slightly shocked and I stared back at him trying to wipe away my tears.

There was a pause as if time was frozen, then Len grabbed at my wrist, pulling it away from my face and laid a kiss on my cracked lips.

In this, I felt something. Something that wasn't there before in any of the other kisses.

But I dare not say what it was, in case this was a dream.

When he pulled away, I stopped him from speaking.

"I hate you! I hate everything you did to me, I suffered so much because of you…but…but….' My voice trailed off and Len smiled, kissing me again.

Moments later, I was flat on my bed, Len above me.

He slipped his hands up my shirt, feeling each individual rib.

"You really are skinny." He frowned.

"I…..I'm sorry." I mutter, feeling embarrassed.

"Don't apologize; I did this to you after all.' He kissed me again 'But I promise I will make it all better."

I was at a loss for words.

Removing my shirt, teasingly rib by rib he kissed each individual spot, everywhere he touched a flame seemed to grow. Before, our moments like this, were quick and painful, now it was the complete opposite.

Len worked his way up, his soft lips covering every inch of my chest and stomach. He mouth came around my nipple and he teased gently biting and sucking. I pressed the back of my hand against my mouth trying to hold back a moan that built in the back of my throat.

"Don't hold back." He whispered softly, removing my hand.

I was blushing, a bright pink, now that he was "awake" he didn't stop looking at me, I was embarrassed.

My heart pumping so loud, I knew he could hear it.

I pray, that this is not a dream.

Len kissed my collar bone and slowly leaving a trail up to my neck, he hit some kind of spot and without warning, I groaned, arching my back.

He smiled and continued biting and teasing, making me squirm.

I felt his hands move towards my lower half, my stomach clenched in anticipation as his hand released the button on my pants.

"Aaah!" I called out and Len's warm hands touched me through my boxers.

"Woah, I've only been kissing and your already worked up." Len smiled, his hand moving up and down.

"Do…Do you have to talk? It's embarrassing!"

He smiled and planted a kiss on me again, that's it. I'm staying quiet.

I'll happily die in this dream.

Slowly and teasingly yet again, Len removed my pants and boxers.

The more skin that he touched, the hotter I felt myself get. It never felt this good before.

His touch felt so much more real.

Please, don't let this be a dream.

Len ran his tongue along the insides of my thighs, I shivered and moaned again. I was hot all over, my skin so sensitive now.

If he kissed me again, I swear I would explode.

"I'm sorry if this hurts, but I can't wait any longer." Len said, raising both my legs and pushed them apart.

I gasped as I felt him enter, he was slow but forceful, going all the way in and slowly pulling out.

"AAH!"

I was panting hard, fingers grasping desperately at the sheets.

He moved faster and faster, the heat was unbearable, my whole body was twitching.

My back was arched and I was moaning out to the high heavens.

"I…' I sucked in a large breath 'I can't anymore…."

Len continued, pounding into me.

I heard his strained voice.

"Neither can I."

Over and over, I was reaching my limit.

Then, both of us exploded into our release, for the first time Len called out my name.

"Piko!"

In that moment, I felt happy. It was strange at first, I hadn't felt that way in so long.

Grinning from ear to ear, I laughed.

"I think that's the first time I've heard you laugh." Len whispered, bending down and bringing his face close.

I could say nothing, I just smiled.

This time, I kissed him.

Please, I pray, let this not be a dream.

9

The next morning, I awoke with Len beside me. I felt his strong arms around my waist. His soft breath on my neck, I was inhaling that wonderful scent of his.

I felt relieved.

A little part still grieved for Rin, a little part still blamed myself, but I could feel myself heal. Slowly, little by little I would heal.

The wound would close and the scar would fade.

I wriggled from Len's grasp and kissed him softly on the lips, getting dressed and heading downstairs.

First order of business, apologize profusely to Yuuma. I had been horrible.

I walked down and there was a smug Yuuma at the bottom of the stairs.

"What..?" I asked cautiously.

"I guess someone had a fun night last night." Yuuma teased.

"You heard that!?" I demanded, running down the stairs.

"I heard nothing." Yuuma grinned, winking.

"You little-!"

Before I could continue, he caught me in a hug.

"I'm happy, now that your happy." He said softly, holding me tight.

I smiled and hugged him back.

"I'm healing.' I pulled out of the hug 'I wanted to say that, I'm sorry. I was so terrible to you and…yeah. I made a horrible first impression didn't i?"

Yuuma laughed and ruffled my hair.

"That you did. But it's okay, I'm glad that you're okay now. Oh that reminds me, I'm dating Oliver" Yuuma stated.

"What!?"

"Yeah, li'l bugger confessed to me. He's really cute.' Yuuma laughed cheerfully.

"Just wait till you see how much of a demon he is" I mutter.

Just as I turn to enter the kitchen for some well-earned food, I hear footsteps on the stairs.

There was Len, in full shirtless glory.

I freeze, unable to move as he walked down to me.

Len smiles, his blonde hair down and messy.

"Good morning babe" He laughs, pulling me into a deep kiss.

"Get a room!" Oliver yells. I hear Yuuma laugh.

"Come here you" Most likely he grabbed Oliver, judging by his squeak. Sadly, I couldn't see what happened; I was a little too busy making out with someone.

"Can I stay here?" Len asks, his face still close to mine.

I blush.

Oliver chimes in too, "Can I? Can I?"

This house is going to become very full.

Oh dear.

The end!

**Authors note:**

**ERMAGERD BELZY BABY IM SO PROUD OF YOU, you got 100 subs [now it's a but more]. Here's your prezziee! KYAAA I loved writing this, make sure you have some tissue's on standby ^^. I wanted to do a cover but it's on my mac so, oh well. Enjoy my bby 3 **

**-Love, the amazing tobester rei-chan chariot author,**

**TOBY.**


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